Mother's Day without Mom

This is my first Mother's Day without my Mom. It has been difficult to go through the day without her, but ultimately, I have learned that I can honor her even when she is no longer with us on this earth.

This morning, I put on a dress for church that Mom literally had her hands on. It was an Egyptian blue dress that I bought about two years ago after I had lunch with her. The store did not have my size since it was the end-of-the-season sale, but knowing Mom could do her alteration magic, I bought it anyway and asked her to alter it for me. She did a beautiful job, as always, and made the dress fit nicely, all without measurements and quickly and skillfully. Mom was a fantastic seamstress and talented designer with a keen sense of aesthetics and elegant taste. I have benefited from her handiworks all my life, even now. I still have all the clothes that she either made or altered for me, and I love wearing them.

The color blue will also always remind me of a shopping trip we had years ago. We were strolling along one sunny afternoon until I saw a light pink dress on a window display. I suggested to Mom about walking in to check out the dress, and we found that the dress also came in light blue. I asked her about the colors, and she told me flat out I should not be wearing pink because I was too tanned (from playing tennis!)! She thought blue was a much better color for me. So we walked out of the store with the light blue dress instead of the light pink one I thought I might get. Almost fifteen years later, I still have the dress. Now, every time I see the dress in the closet or when I put it on, I always remember what she said and it puts a smile to my face. To this day, I still have more blue clothes than pink, all because of her aesthetic eyes. Coincidentally, I wore the light blue dress last summer at our last family union before she went home to be with the Lord. She was so happy that day to have three generations at the same table.

I am more than blessed to have friends and family (including Hubby) who completely understand me. Leading up to today, they have been supportive and understanding. Today, there have been more tears than other days in quite some time. While some are tears of sorrow, there are many tears of gratitude. I am thankful for my family and friends. Even more so, I am thankful that Mom is with Jesus with no more pain and suffering. She is whole, completely healed, and in the best place with the Lord for eternity. I want her back, but I also would not want her to leave Heaven because of my selfishness.

Having been thinking about what this Mother's Day would be like, I think I am starting to have an inkling after processing my emotions - I want to honor Mom instead of making today a day of sorrow and negative emotions. There is a place and time for grief, and I am certainly not beyond it, but I have also realized that there are things I can do to carry on Mom's legacy. Towards the end of today, I went out to get my next door neighbor flowers. She is a mom but she has lost her mother. I also prepared for the baby shower that I am doing for another friend who is expecting her second baby. Then, I talked to some of my friends who have lost their moms. I am not saying all these to boast (because there is nothing to boast about), but only to share with you how I coped and moved forward in a way that would honor Mom. Mom was kind, gentle, and selfless, always putting others first, including her children. I want to follow her example and pay it forward.

It has been a difficult day, but it has also been good. I would rather have her, but while this is no longer possible, I have learned that her legacy can live on.

Valentine Forever

She is burying him today, Valentine's Day.

They were married for half a century. Inseparable all these years, they had their share of ups and downs. They went through the loss of a son; they also had the joy of seeing their grandchildren marry the loves of their lives.  He loved her with all his heart. He look at her with tenderness, and he had the most wonderful smiles.

He lit up the world around him. If you had been near him, your day would just be full of sunshine and happiness, no matter what the weather was like. I had been one of the many, many lucky ones whose lives he had touched and made better. I had been around him on different occasions - graduation, wedding (my own), and other visits. I cannot think of any couple who was happier or complemented each other any better.

They have been grandparent figures to us. Hubby and his sisters lost their grandparents early. But when they were growing up, they had the joy of having them nearby. I could understand how blessed they were when Hubby and I got married. I gained a new set of wonderful grandparents too.

I am so glad I got to know him. Although we could no longer spend time together on this earth, I look forward to the day when I could see him again in heaven. For now, I will cherish the memories and remember what Helen Keller once wrote -

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

Catching up!

Happy New Year! May 2014 be a wonderful year for each of you!

It has been seven months (!) since my last blog post. I ended the last post with this -

The summer has already been quite busy, but hopefully I will be more diligent about posting in the next few months! 

While the first part was true, the second part was an epic fail. However, here's a quick update on the second half of 2013 -

• I went to Hong Kong, China, and San Francisco in the summer, and Chicago in the fall for work and research!
• I got to meet our new nephew for the first time over the summer!
• I had a busy but productive fall semester with teaching and exam preparation. Being able to teach students was quite a rewarding experience!
• Hubby made me a wonderful cake for my birthday! 
• We participated in Operation Christmas Child once again this year. Our goal was 500 packed shoebox gifts, and our church and middle school packed 549 boxes! 
• We hosted family and friends for Thanksgiving. Some of our family could not come so we missed them, but we had a great time with those who came. Weather was absolutely gorgeous!
• On another note, our family cat became very stressed out because of the big crowd during Thanksgiving. She developed an ulcer on her eye, which accelerated our decision to have her eye removed. It was the right decision because she did have early-stage cancer as we had suspected. After a very challenging recovery process, she is now doing much better!
• We went out of town for Christmas briefly (because we needed to take care of the kitty). It was a wonderful visit! 

I am thankful for a blessed year in 2013!

Hello!

Long time no post!

Since I still have a photo of our Christmas tree on the front page of my blog, it is high time I post something new. Lots have happened since the last post but here is a quick update -

• I became a full-time student in the beginning of the year (yes, shortly after the last post). The past four months were very busy, feeling rather like an intellectual boot camp. But it was wonderful! As of May, I finished my coursework, so now, onto reading for comprehensive exams and dissertation research!
• Hubby and I celebrated our wedding anniversary and his birthday! 
• We have a (betta) fish! It was a present from my friends. I have never thought I would have a fish, but it's been fun having him around, and I am very thankful to Hubby for being a huge help in taking care of him. Kitty cat was a bit confused and jealous at first, but having been affirmed that she is still the princess of the household, she is now fine with a fish in the house. :)
• Within a little over two months, we have a new nephew AND a new niece!!! We are very excited!
• I still have not figured out how to link my Twitter updates to the blog, although I must admit I have not tried very hard to make it happen either. However, if you are on Twitter, do say hello @RecordingSnow! 

The summer has already been quite busy, but hopefully I will be more diligent about posting in the next few months!

Birthday

I had a wonderful birthday recently.

It was the best birthday in a number of years, not only because Hubby did a wonderful job planning the celebration as usual, but also because my way of thinking about birthdays had changed for the better.

When my grandmother passed way at the end of 2004, I developed this acute sense about death. It was neither a knee-jerk reaction to my grandmother's passing, nor was it an unhealthy preoccupation. I mourned, yes, but as I watched my grandmother depart this world at the hospice, leaving a permanent hole in my heart, I also had an incredible peace within me. While I was extremely thankful to be able to go back to Hong Kong in time to be with Grandma during her final days, I was also hopeful that I would see her again in heaven. Hopeful, because I knew a church nearby had visited with her at the hospice and shared Jesus with her. Although Grandma could not talk and I did not have her verbal confirmation that she had accepted Jesus into her heart as her Lord and Savior, the peaceful and beautiful way she passed let me know that she was safely in God's hands. Forever. As I thought more about death, I was also thinking more about heaven, about eternal life with Jesus. I wondered what it was like to be in heaven. Perhaps that is why MercyMe's I Can Only Imagine has remained one of my favorite songs (see video below).

Later, however, as my grief subsided and as I grew a few years older, I became more preoccupied with my journey on earth. At the same time, I was not enjoying getting older, and I became decreasingly open with my age. I was focused on the many goals for which to strive. Little did I know I was losing sight that my journey on earth was just that. A journey on earth. Without a doubt, I knew I was going to heaven after I died. However, I was not longing for heaven the way many first-century Christians were - and many twenty-first century fellow believers under severe persecution still are.

A number of years ago, Hubby wrote me a poem for my birthday and I loved it. There was a line about getting older and getting closer to heaven. I did not fully understand it at the time, but I think I do now. I was too preoccupied with my earthly journey, equating age with things I should be accomplishing. I am still getting older, but instead of secretly fretting over the times past and wondering if I have accomplished everything I should, I have learned that my focus is not on earth, but on heaven. For as long as I am here, I will do what God wants me to do to make a difference and to bring him glory. Yet, I also look forward to getting closer to my real home. My eternal home. I still wonder what I would do when I meet Jesus in heaven, but I have no doubt that I will love it. From now on, I will celebrate my birthday with joy, because it no longer means I am getting older, it means I am getting close to home.

I had a wonderful birthday indeed.

"Olympic Experience" (Part IV)

I was ready at the baseline to receive the serve. It went to the middle of the service box. I moved towards the ball and decided to return the serve with my backhand rather than running around it for a forehand. The return was just high enough to clear the net but was low enough to get past the racket of the net player. Her teammate (the server) did not get to it. The ball bounced twice.

We won the match!

What an exciting feeling! My partner and I had a big sweaty hug. Meanwhile, our other teammates from the sideline ran towards us on the court and we hugged each other. At the award ceremony, each of us received a medal. We even did the funny photo by biting our medals, like some athletes did at the Olympics.  :)

What a joy! The team effort was most wonderful. Whenever my partner(s) and I had a bad few points or games, we picked each other up. Whoever was not playing came along to cheer on the rest of us. When my partner and I had the tough loss, the rest of the team was nothing but encouraging. When my back hurt, my captain gave me a back massage to help relieve my pain. When we won the championship together, we shared the joy.

Loss and triumph sometimes go hand in hand. Looking back, I was thankful for the tough loss in my second match. It was the most disappointing for the first ten minutes after the match, but learning to deal with the defeat (quickly) made me a better tennis player mentally. The wins that came after also became much sweeter because I had tasted defeat.
 
As I mentioned in my first Olympics post, Chariots of Fire is one of my favorite movies. In the movie, when Eric Liddell's sister wanted him to return to mission work in China instead of going to the Olympics, he said:

I believe God made me for a purpose, and He also made me fast. When I run, I feel His pleasure.

My favorite line from the movie. I am no Olympian, but I think we can seek to glorify God through sports (tennis in my case). I was calm during our second match point in the last match, but the calm did not come from me. It came from God. And the backhand return? Totally God.

Off the court, I also had a wonderful stay with my hostess. Before booking, I was exchanging messages with the lady renting the room. At first, we discussed the room and logistics; but she soon opened up about her family. At her house, we had several great conversations, including one about her salvation. Before I left, she gave me a hug, and even a beautiful doily she made as a souvenir.

What a wonderful weekend.

Don't forget the Paralympic Games began today!

People (Part III)

Continuing my Boston adventures:

Hong Kongers (!)

On my first day, after I settled in at the house, I went to get some groceries for the week. While also enjoying a nice evening walk on my way to the store, I spotted a small Chinese (take-out) restaurant! It should be no surprise, but I told myself that I could get dinner there at the end of the week if I worked hard during the week. After a productive week, I went to the restaurant on Friday (the same day I met the senior adult at Dunkin' Donut and the Christian at Harvard from my previous post) and got one of my favorite dishes.  As a great bonus, the two guys I chatted with there spoke Cantonese (my native language)! They asked me if I was a student there, as if saying they would take care of my nutritional needs (or occasional Chinese food cravings) if I were. It was the type of conversation that one could only have if you were originally from the same place but were living far away from home in a different culture for one reason or another. I told them I was only there short-term so it was my first and last visit in quite some time. My take-out box was packed solidly, and my food was made to order with no MSG. It was easily some of the best Chinese food I had had in the country.

A grandmother

On my last day, I arrived at the airport early and had a chance to eat lunch (more like brunch) before my flight. While eating, I noticed a lady ordering food with presumably her husband and young granddaughter. Just as I thought it was nice for the grandparents to be spending quality time with their grandchild, the lady turned around and I saw her face. It was not a happy grandmother face. It was not because she was sad, but because her face has been so surgically changed that she could not smile. The plastic and stern look on her face was simply too obvious. I kept imagining how beautiful she had to be before the procedure(s).

I also met some wonderful people at Harvard who helped me with my research. It was great to spend time on this beautiful campus and to visit Boston a bit.

People (Part II)

Continuing from the previous post, my adventures and observations of people in Boston: 

A musician

From the house, I would take the bus and subway (the T) to campus. On one subway ride, as the platform was packed with people waiting for the next train, I heard music (not unusual) before spotting a gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. Without a leg, but with a guitar in his hands, he sang the words "you can't always get what you want." As he repeated the lyrics and I looked at his face and his wheelchair, I wondered if he was singing and crying his heart out to strangers, hoping someone would stop and listen. 

A senior adult

On my last day of research, I stopped by Dunkin' Donuts to get an iced tea and to sit down for a bit to go over my notes before going back to the library. I noticed at the next table sat a group of senior adults. Little did I expect that after the group dismissed, one of them would come to my table to introduce himself. He asked if I was following the Boston Celtics during the NBA Playoffs. When I told him I was following the French Open much more closely, he told me he used to coach tennis! As the conversation continued, he told me about his meeting group that gathered every day at Dunkin' Donuts after mass at the church down the street. He also told me he went to Boston College and shared with me about his career as an accountant. He even told me his name, and offered to drive me to visit his alma mater because it was loosely connected to my research. Since I needed to go back to the library and I did not want to make a senior adult in his 80s drive me around, I had to decline the offer and we parted ways. I was amazed, though, at how people could connect and how they could be so generous towards strangers they had just met.

A Harvard student

After leaving the library on my last day on campus, I was walking along Harvard Yard when someone approached me from behind. It was a Korean student inviting me to her Bible study group on campus. It was quite funny that she asked me if I was Korean (I didn't think I looked Korean :). I told her I would love to join her but couldn't, because I was only visiting and was leaving the following day. We talked for a bit and exchanged names. She asked me to pray for her Bible study group. Of course, I said yes! Even though we lived in different places and were culturally different, we had the most important thing in common - our faith. I was very glad she sought me out, on a rainy day, no less. Such boldness and such a heart for God was wonderful to see. She had no idea, but she already ministered to me with this act of kindness and through our brief conversation.

The last segment to be continued.

People (Part I)

It might be a stereotype, but as a firstborn child, I am definitely introverted. However, I am also indefinitely fascinated by people (it is a paradox?). For me, one of the best occasions to meet and to observe people is during travel. When I am away from home, I become more aware of my surroundings, and my trip to Boston was no exception.

I had many interesting encounters with different people. Below is a highlight of some of the people I met or observed during the trip:

A graduate student

After an initial shock of the long security line at 7.15am at the airport on my way to Boston, I got in line behind a young gentleman. He was quite chatty (and awake) and struck a conversation which extended to a pleasant 45-minute conversation, as we tried to get through the line. Since he had been to Boston and Harvard (where I was headed), he talked about his experiences there which was quite helpful. He was also a fellow graduate student so we talked about what he studied (aerospace engineering) and what I studied. It was a pleasant conversation and he even let me get in front of him because my flight would be taking off sooner than his (As it turned out, quite a few fellow passengers on my flight were delayed by the long lines and they boarded after I did, so I felt a bit better.) It was a completely random encounter but it fascinated me that you can meet someone and, knowing you will probably never meet again, still have a meaningful conversation.

A pastor

For the following day, I had planned to go to Sunday service at one of the oldest churches in Boston. But the logistics of my accommodation cut my travel time short and I eventually went to a church in town. It was only a brisk 20-minute walk from where I was staying; and the service was good and the sermon convicting. Because it was a small church, the Pastor actually spotted me, a first-time visitor. He came by after the service to shake my hand, talked with me and introduced me to the couple to whom I was sitting next during the service. The couple was joyfully expecting their third child (the baby should be here anytime now, if s/he is not here already!) I will remember the Pastor as a man of God who spoke the Truth boldly in a town where what he preached were not the most popular ideas.

A housemate

I stayed in a house which the landlady rented to travelers...or so I thought. It turned out the landlady did not live in that house and the house was much larger than what the pictures showed online. Besides the two rooms advertised to travelers, a few other rooms were rented to long-term residents. As it turned out, one of the residents (very friendly!) there was originally from the town that was only a few hours away from where Hubby and I lived and we had similar professions. What a small world!


To be continued

Remembering in Hope

Since the early 1990s, I have been "traveling" to New York City every year for the US Open through TV. The US Open takes place at the National Tennis Center in Queens during the two weeks that straddle the Labor Day weekend. I remember quite fondly that when I was still in Hong Kong, because of the time difference, I would get up extra early on the second Monday morning after the Labor Day weekend to catch the men's single's final as much as I could before school.

In 2001, the men's championship match took place on September 9. By that point, I was studying in the United States so I watched the match on TV that Sunday night. Two days later, on the morning of September 11, I was home alone (my roommates were at work). I remember that morning as a beautiful, sunny day with clear blue sky. The TV and the computer were not on, so I was completely oblivious to the tragedy unfolding in New York City, Washington DC and Shanksville, until my friends and family called and I turned on the TV.

Like many, I was shocked, saddened and unsure of what was happening. I had just "come back" from New York City after the US Open. I still remember shots of the beautiful New York City skyline during the tennis programming. That evening, my roommates, friends and I gathered at home to support each other and to make sense of what had happened while wondering what would come next, knowing quite well that life would not be the same.

Just before the fifth anniversary of 9/11, I had a chance to travel to New York and I visited the World Trade Center site. It was a large wound. Life went on, but the site served as a reminder of what had happened. Since then, I had become an American citizen and 9/11 became more meaningful to me. Most of those who died in the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and on Flight 93 were my fellow citizens. So were the first responders who risked their own lives to save others, and the military who had gone on to fight for freedom since then.

This year, as usual, I have "come back" to New York for the US Open. The skyline is not the same as the one I saw ten years ago, and in many ways, our lives have not been the same. However, God is still the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. As we remember 9/11, the victims and their families, we can remember in hope, knowing that while we experienced much sadness ten years ago (and even now), we can hold on to the eternal hope that comes through Jesus Christ alone.

Fighting Facebook?

There is a lot more to write about our vacation, and Hubby has posted pictures on Facebook (check them out!). But speaking of Facebook, I have been wondering about something.

After many invites from friends, I joined the Facebook nation two years ago. As soon as I signed up, it opened up a whole new world. Friends who invited me immediately "became" my friends (as if we were not already); within hours, Facebook connected me to many friends from around the country and friends from back home, some of whom I have been in touch all along, some of whom I have not. It was wonderful to share lives with them despite the physical distance.

I have really appreciated this connection; but on the other hand, I have also been wondering about what I should post.

Should I post day-to-day happenings? But is it important for others to know what I had for lunch? 

Should I post my whereabouts?

Should I post my thoughts (random or not)? My questions? Pictures?

Nothing is wrong about these postings because this is part of sharing life. But in this Facebook nation that promotes connections, this is an extremely self-centered world. It is all about "me." I might be posting updates and letting all my friends know how I am doing, but these updates are not really directed to one person or a group of people. It is different from calling a particular family member or friend on the phone, or emailing them, or, for that matter, seeing that person face to face.

Some of my friends have recently closed their Facebook accounts because of it.

I have also been thinking about something else: how do I balance between posting my daily happenings and what is going on in my friends' lives and around the world?

One night, I was about to post something happy only to see that two different friends both lost a parent on the same evening. I could not bring myself to share my happy news when my friends were grieving.

A few days ago, I was going to post about dinner plan with my friends to celebrate a birthday before learning about what happened in Norway.

Then, I was going to post about the great weekend I had, but I could not do that in the midst of the terrible train accident in China.

There are many sufferings around us, whether it is in the news or not. But I know I can do better about my postings. One of my guiding principles for Facebook postings has been to post something that involves not only me, but also others (Hubby, family, friends etc.), and this has helped me think twice before posting.

I am still thinking and wondering about my Facebook citizenship. It is a wonderful way to connect with family and friends, but it is also an easy trap for self-centeredness, of which I hope I am not too guilty.

Shoes

I got new shoes on sale last week.

The pair of black shoes I wore most often to work was wearing out quite badly. It did not help at all that the shoes were not the right fit (they were wide, instead of regular) so they were loose. But at that point, I had been having a lot of trouble finding black dress shoes for a while, so I bought them anyway. As soon as I tried on the new shoes which were the right size and fit and were better made, I could tell the difference. My feet have been much, much happier.

Nonetheless, many people around the world do not have shoes. They do not have the luxury to buy what we consider necessity.

There are so many stories about children who cannot go to school, not only because their families cannot afford tuition, or they have to help in the farm, but also because they do not have a single pair of shoes that they absolutely need to walk the many miles to school. One way.

The black shoes I got were already half off; and with the sale going on in the store, I got another pair of shoes on the clearance rack for an even deeper discount. With the shoes, I got two shoeboxes.

What is the best way to use the shoeboxes? Fill them up with school supplies, hygiene items and toys! Operation Christmas Child collects shoeboxes filled with gifts for children around the world who might otherwise not receive a gift this Christmas.

I remember a story: one year, a child received a shoebox from Operation Christmas Child. Inside was a pair of shoes about which she had been praying. Overwhelmed with joy, she could now go to school, knowing that someone somewhere loved and cared about her; and so did God.

TV

About a month ago, our 10-plus-year-old TV stopped working. It went out for the first time last Summer and Hubby had it fixed. But this time, we got a new TV. We had moved from a tube (that would take two strong guys to move) to one of those fancy flat screen, HDTVs. We had jumped from a 27-inch TV to a 40-inch TV.

I must say it is very nice to have a much lighter TV and the quality is quite an upgrade. I will also admit that I look forward to watching tennis on it later this month. :) 

However, I was actually not as excited about the new TV as I thought I would be. I had watched tennis matches or movies on those fancy screens at other peoples' homes before; and occasionally, I had thought that it might be cool for Hubby and me to have a TV just like that. But our TV was fine so we had no justification for the purchase. Now that we have such a TV sitting in our house, I have been fairly calm about this. In fact, I have not used the TV in the past four days (Hubby's been out of town).

This TV experience reminded me of the time we bought our house. A few years before we bought our house, we had considered buying a house in our previous town, so we looked at some model homes, which gave me ideas. In my head, I had a list of things that I thought would be nice to have in our future home, including a library, rounded corners and a flat glass stove top. When we bought our house, these features happened to be part of the house. I must say I was - and still am - exited about the loft which we use as a library, but I also realized that I would have no problem living in a house without the loft, the rounded corners or a flat glass stove top. 

Perhaps this is God's sense of humor, or it is simply His way of teaching me to be a good steward of the things that He gives me so generously. If I keep wanting things, maybe He will just withhold them until I learn not to be preoccupied with, or even controlled by, those things - whether it be a house, a vehicle, electronics, or whatever that might be, tangible or otherwise.

I still have my silly wants, like a smart phone, but I also understand the monetary costs that come with owning such a phone. Do I really need a smart phone? No. It would be something nice to have (I can text faster, I can get online faster, I can have more storage space for photos, whatever the rationale might be), but, a few occasional glitches aside, my current phone is working just fine. I have not completely gotten rid of my want for a smart phone, but I have lately become much more appreciative of my phone.

I read this somewhere not too long ago -

Contentment is not having what you want, it is wanting what you have.

 The Apostle Paul also said in the book of Philippians -

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. - Philippians 4: 12

 Well said.

Black Sandals

A few months ago, one of the heels of the black closed-toe shoes that I often wore to work was wearing out badly.

So I went to the mall.

I used to like to go clothes shopping; but now, not so much. The mall had become a place of strong smells - a mix of all scents of perfume, incense, candles etc. My sense of smell had been severely challenged and going to the mall had become a dread. But I had a coupon for a department store.

So I wanted to make it a quick trip.

I knew black closed-toe - and comfortable - shoes would be hard to find, so I did not expect to spend only 15 minutes at the mall. In the end, however, after some looking, and expanding my search to various shoe stores at the mall, I could not find what I was looking for. For the few pairs of black closed-toe shoes I saw, they were either too pricey or too not-my-style, or too uncomfortable.

So I resorted to anything black.

Then I saw this pair of black sandals. They were not what I was looking for, and they were not on sale (!). But my nose was complaining and my mind could not bear the thought of another trip to the mall - any mall or shopping place.

So I bought the black sandals.

They turned out to be the pair of shoes I have been wearing the most in the past three weeks. With my broken toe, my foot was too swollen and bruised for me to wear closed-toe shoes; and I would rather not wear anything even with the slightest heels. The sandals had been the perfect shoes. And now, I like these sandals a lot too. I am very thankful I had the sandals already before the broken toe. I would not want to go shopping, not with a broken toe.

Sometimes, what I know, what I think, or what I think I know, is best, is not the best. I thought I needed a pair of black closed-toe shoes because I had always worn them to work; but in the end, I needed sandals. I did not know that when I bought them, but now I do. This might be a small example, but in life, how many times have I thought I know what would be best for me, only to find out I really do not know - and that I am not in control anyway (see: broken toe)? And how often has God provided what I truly need?

So I need to trust God.

Broken Toe

Perfectionism is insecurity in art form. - Beth Moore

In a freak accident at home on Sunday night before bed, I broke (or sprained, I don't really know which one) my little toe, as my foot was somehow caught in the foot stool in the opposite direction I was headed. A fairly large area of my foot turned a light purple and became swollen overnight, making it rather painful to walk the next morning.

I don't think I am clumsy, and I have never had a broken bone, not even on the tennis court (where in my case, the injury risks are theoretically the highest). To a perfectionist like me, breaking/spraining a toe would have been a fairly upsetting moment because the whole thing came out of nowhere, it was of course not planned and the consequences were inconvenient. It would normally immediately provoke thoughts such as "how did this happen?" or "why were you not being more careful?" or "were you not looking?" or "this could not be happening. I have tennis this weekend!" So on and so forth. The kind of thinking that is unnecessarily harsh on oneself as a response to circumstances over which she has no control.

Strangely, however, I have somehow been very accepting of this rather rare occurance. Sure, I have to make adjustments (and yes, too bad there will be no tennis for a few weeks), but much worse things have happened. This little incident has only made me more appreciative of the many things (the ability to walk, good health, to name a few) I have had the privilege of enjoying.

It must have something to do with the lessons on (in)security I have been learning in the past few months.

I have always known I am a perfectionist, but I have also always thought it is part of the "package" - my personality (as a first-born child). However, Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity has been telling me otherwise. Accordingly to Beth, all women have insecurity in some form; and perfectionism is one of them. I have never put perfectionism together with insecurity; but truth be told, the drive to do everything "perfectly" and according to plan comes from a fear of failure or a fear of showing weaknesses. Oh my. How my eyes have been opened to something I thought was simply a personality trait.

Under normal circumstances, a toe-breaking incident would trigger the perfectionistic mechanism in me. But if this incident means a new normal, perhaps it is worth a broken toe.

Faith, Hope and Love

I had the honor to hear a Holocaust Survivor speak today.

Mr. Walter Kase, now 80 years old, shared with a full house the details of his life in a ghetto and then in multiple concentration camps. He lost his young sister, then 6 years old, in front of his eyes, and suffered all kinds of humiliation and hardships for 5 years before his liberation at the age of 15, weighing 65 pounds.

What struck me the most was not the details of the hardships (however difficult it was just to hear about them), but how calm he was, and how much he talked about faith, hope and love. He admitted that he lost faith at one point, as he saw the inhuman treatment he and others suffered day in and day out. He discussed hope, the hope of leaving the state of agony. However, most of all, he talked about love, in particular his love for his parents and sister. Many times he talked about his family lovingly, and many times his tears rolled down his eyes, leaving the audience deeply moved.

He had no anger, no hatred, despite the hurt he had suffered physically, emotionally and spiritually. He had long forgiven the offenders.

Afterwards, I had the honor to speak with him, shake his hands and give him a hug. He gave me a kiss on the cheek in return.

My colleagues in my office had been celebrating my belated birthday this week (lunch yesterday and cake today). As we celebrated life, it was my privilege to hear a Holocaust Survivor, after suffering so much in his life and seeing so many needless deaths, give this message of faith, hope and love.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 

- 1 Corinthians 13: 13

New Path

The parking lot I use is about 15 to 20 minutes from my office, and I usually walk the same route to and from these two places. While it is not bad at all, the path has become familiar. Last week, however, I accidentally found a new path.

I made a stop to the library after work. After my library trip, instead of staying on the sidewalk I usually took, I cut through the residence hall next to it, thinking it would quickly lead me back to the route I knew.

As I was following this new, and rather winding, path, I became a little uncertain after a minute since I was actually getting farther away from the sidewalk. But instead of turning around, I kept going. Then, after a couple of turns, I saw a large field in which many residents were enjoying the sunny Friday afternoon with a game of soccer, or Frisbee.

How refreshing to see this sea of green for a nice change of scenery! I had never seen the field from the sidewalk because of the many trees in between.

And shortly after, I saw some steps that led me back to the sidewalk.

Sometimes it takes a new path to discover hidden treasures. Day in and day out, we probably pass by many treasures because where we are keeps us from seeing the other side. The Bible study I just finished has further taught me that there is a time to step out of my comfort zone, and to take a new path as God calls us. When we step out in faith in God's timing, leave our familiar surroundings and start walking a new path, there might be uncertainty; but if we keep going, along the way we will experience the fine treasures He has in store for us, treasures we have never known before.

I (Jesus) came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.
- John 10: 10 (The Message)

Shoes

A few weeks ago, I was at Target to get a baby gift for a couple of friends. One of the items was a pair of crocs. While there, I also found a pair of flip flops for Hubby, something I had been searching for a while.

Juxtaposing these two pairs of shoes struck a chord in me about life. Here we had an adult in his prime (and he is a size 12!) and a baby who would soon be coming to this world. Age difference aside, these were two precious lives that God created (and was creating) in his own image. In these shoes, they would be taking their steps and going to different places.

We are all travelers in this world, heading closer to our eternal home each day. There are ups and downs in our journeys; some days we are on mountaintops, and some days we go through valleys. But one constant is this: that God is caring for and guiding us along the Way, whether we notice Him or not.