Mother's Day without Mom

This is my first Mother's Day without my Mom. It has been difficult to go through the day without her, but ultimately, I have learned that I can honor her even when she is no longer with us on this earth.

This morning, I put on a dress for church that Mom literally had her hands on. It was an Egyptian blue dress that I bought about two years ago after I had lunch with her. The store did not have my size since it was the end-of-the-season sale, but knowing Mom could do her alteration magic, I bought it anyway and asked her to alter it for me. She did a beautiful job, as always, and made the dress fit nicely, all without measurements and quickly and skillfully. Mom was a fantastic seamstress and talented designer with a keen sense of aesthetics and elegant taste. I have benefited from her handiworks all my life, even now. I still have all the clothes that she either made or altered for me, and I love wearing them.

The color blue will also always remind me of a shopping trip we had years ago. We were strolling along one sunny afternoon until I saw a light pink dress on a window display. I suggested to Mom about walking in to check out the dress, and we found that the dress also came in light blue. I asked her about the colors, and she told me flat out I should not be wearing pink because I was too tanned (from playing tennis!)! She thought blue was a much better color for me. So we walked out of the store with the light blue dress instead of the light pink one I thought I might get. Almost fifteen years later, I still have the dress. Now, every time I see the dress in the closet or when I put it on, I always remember what she said and it puts a smile to my face. To this day, I still have more blue clothes than pink, all because of her aesthetic eyes. Coincidentally, I wore the light blue dress last summer at our last family union before she went home to be with the Lord. She was so happy that day to have three generations at the same table.

I am more than blessed to have friends and family (including Hubby) who completely understand me. Leading up to today, they have been supportive and understanding. Today, there have been more tears than other days in quite some time. While some are tears of sorrow, there are many tears of gratitude. I am thankful for my family and friends. Even more so, I am thankful that Mom is with Jesus with no more pain and suffering. She is whole, completely healed, and in the best place with the Lord for eternity. I want her back, but I also would not want her to leave Heaven because of my selfishness.

Having been thinking about what this Mother's Day would be like, I think I am starting to have an inkling after processing my emotions - I want to honor Mom instead of making today a day of sorrow and negative emotions. There is a place and time for grief, and I am certainly not beyond it, but I have also realized that there are things I can do to carry on Mom's legacy. Towards the end of today, I went out to get my next door neighbor flowers. She is a mom but she has lost her mother. I also prepared for the baby shower that I am doing for another friend who is expecting her second baby. Then, I talked to some of my friends who have lost their moms. I am not saying all these to boast (because there is nothing to boast about), but only to share with you how I coped and moved forward in a way that would honor Mom. Mom was kind, gentle, and selfless, always putting others first, including her children. I want to follow her example and pay it forward.

It has been a difficult day, but it has also been good. I would rather have her, but while this is no longer possible, I have learned that her legacy can live on.

This Easter

It has been a long while.

I lost my Mom last summer. A vicious form of cancer came unexpectedly and took her in only a few short months.

But this is not the end of the story.

This past Sunday evening, I sat at our church for the Lord's Supper in preparation for Easter. I had been a follower of Jesus for many years, and had taken part in many a communion. However, this time, God gave me a deeper understanding of the Cross through Mom.

I watched my Mom's body deteriorate in her fight against cancer. All my life, I only knew her as healthy and vibrant. She might have the (very) occasional cold, but I could not even remember her ever taking a sick day. About ten years ago, she changed careers and became an aerobics instructor. She was so good at it that she would be teaching multiple classes a day. She was fit. But the cancer changed the story. In a short time, instead of being strong and active, she became weaker and more fragile. Both the cancer cells and the radiation treatment took a toll on her body. The last ten days of her life were spent in a quarantined hospital room as she was being observed and treated for pneumonia. Her body became swollen as a result of fluids being pumped into her body to sustain her life. The last few days, her organs began to shut down one by one. The once lively person was slowly fading away. Her body was breaking down.

As I was sitting in the pew at my church for the Lord's Supper this past Sunday, I listened to the familiar Scripture about Jesus breaking bread with His disciples before He went to the Cross. 

The Lord Jesus on the night when He was betrayed took bread, and when He had given thanks, He broke it, and said, “This is My body which is for you. Do this in remembrance of Me.”In the same way also He took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in My blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of Me.” 

- 1 Corinthians 11: 23-25

Jesus said His body would be broken for us. For me.

Because of my Mom, I now more fully understood what it meant to have a broken body. To think that Jesus would do it for me long before I was even born from my mother's womb was too much for a human mind to truly fathom. What love was this, that Someone would love me so much that He would willingly break His body for me to save me from myself?

As I was holding in my hand the piece of bread and the sip of grape juice that symbolized his body and blood, I could only be grateful for His love for what He had done for me.

I no longer have my Mom on this earth. I can't talk to her and we can't make new memories. Some days, these thoughts sadden me.

But this is not the end of the story.

While my Mom was lying in the hospital bed and her body was shutting down, she gained a new - and eternal - life. I had the utmost privilege to lead her to Jesus a few days before she took a last breath. But this passing was not permanent. She was leaving this earth for an eternity with Jesus. She died only three months short of her 60th birthday and retirement, but she "retired" to a far better place. She went to heaven.

My Mom's physical body might have deteriorated, yet her soul had never been more alive. This is only possible because the Crucifixion was not the end of the story. Jesus died on the cross, but on the third day, He is risen! Death and sin had no grip on Him because He had victory. Today, my Mom is with Him in heaven.

Because of what He has done on the Cross and His victory, I will see my Mom again. Because of His Resurrection, we celebrate Easter. 

Valentine Forever

She is burying him today, Valentine's Day.

They were married for half a century. Inseparable all these years, they had their share of ups and downs. They went through the loss of a son; they also had the joy of seeing their grandchildren marry the loves of their lives.  He loved her with all his heart. He look at her with tenderness, and he had the most wonderful smiles.

He lit up the world around him. If you had been near him, your day would just be full of sunshine and happiness, no matter what the weather was like. I had been one of the many, many lucky ones whose lives he had touched and made better. I had been around him on different occasions - graduation, wedding (my own), and other visits. I cannot think of any couple who was happier or complemented each other any better.

They have been grandparent figures to us. Hubby and his sisters lost their grandparents early. But when they were growing up, they had the joy of having them nearby. I could understand how blessed they were when Hubby and I got married. I gained a new set of wonderful grandparents too.

I am so glad I got to know him. Although we could no longer spend time together on this earth, I look forward to the day when I could see him again in heaven. For now, I will cherish the memories and remember what Helen Keller once wrote -

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.