Broken Toe

Perfectionism is insecurity in art form. - Beth Moore

In a freak accident at home on Sunday night before bed, I broke (or sprained, I don't really know which one) my little toe, as my foot was somehow caught in the foot stool in the opposite direction I was headed. A fairly large area of my foot turned a light purple and became swollen overnight, making it rather painful to walk the next morning.

I don't think I am clumsy, and I have never had a broken bone, not even on the tennis court (where in my case, the injury risks are theoretically the highest). To a perfectionist like me, breaking/spraining a toe would have been a fairly upsetting moment because the whole thing came out of nowhere, it was of course not planned and the consequences were inconvenient. It would normally immediately provoke thoughts such as "how did this happen?" or "why were you not being more careful?" or "were you not looking?" or "this could not be happening. I have tennis this weekend!" So on and so forth. The kind of thinking that is unnecessarily harsh on oneself as a response to circumstances over which she has no control.

Strangely, however, I have somehow been very accepting of this rather rare occurance. Sure, I have to make adjustments (and yes, too bad there will be no tennis for a few weeks), but much worse things have happened. This little incident has only made me more appreciative of the many things (the ability to walk, good health, to name a few) I have had the privilege of enjoying.

It must have something to do with the lessons on (in)security I have been learning in the past few months.

I have always known I am a perfectionist, but I have also always thought it is part of the "package" - my personality (as a first-born child). However, Beth Moore's So Long, Insecurity has been telling me otherwise. Accordingly to Beth, all women have insecurity in some form; and perfectionism is one of them. I have never put perfectionism together with insecurity; but truth be told, the drive to do everything "perfectly" and according to plan comes from a fear of failure or a fear of showing weaknesses. Oh my. How my eyes have been opened to something I thought was simply a personality trait.

Under normal circumstances, a toe-breaking incident would trigger the perfectionistic mechanism in me. But if this incident means a new normal, perhaps it is worth a broken toe.